Dixon Diary: Diaper Days

I feel like I've reached the end of an era.

The past six years, for me, have been marked by diapers. Countless diapers. Disposable diapers. Cloth diapers. Prefolds. All-in-ones. Swim diapers. You name it, and I have probably tried it.

For six years I've budgeted the cost of diapers and wipes into my monthly expenditures. I've perused sale ads for baby items and stocked up on coupons for diapers, wipes, and diaper cream.

For nearly six years now I've nursed babies and toddlers. I'll just say I never planned to nurse a toddler. But when my children were one, they still looked like babies to me. Weaning, for us, was a slow, long, drawn out process.

For six years now I've had interrupted sleep. I've grown used to waking up with little creatures snuggled close to me--so much so that when I wake without them, I have trouble falling back to sleep.

My identity has become that of mother with baby. That is how I see myself these days. And I am shocked at how quickly it's coming to an end.

Laila will be three in January. Three. I can hardly wrap my mind around that. She's a big girl--she reminds me of that daily. She is independent and fully potty-trained. And although it is a relief to not have to buy diapers, change diapers, wash diapers, and dispose of diapers, it saddens me to see this stage of my life coming to an end.

I think back to when Connor was a newborn. I honestly thought I'd spend six weeks adjusting to him, and then tuck him neatly into my life and start a career as a working mom. I never thought it could be difficult. I never thought there would be days when I just didn't know what to do.

Connor cried. So much. I guess he had colic--whatever that means. I carried him constantly. I really didn't mind, except that when I carried him I couldn't do other things. And when I couldn't do other things, I wasn't being productive. And if I wasn't being productive, well, then I was just being lazy.

At least that's the way I saw it at the time.

I never planned to be a stay-at-home mom. The thought never crossed my mind until Connor was born. It took me nearly fifteen months to finally adjust to him--to finally feel like I was at a place where I could neatly tuck him into my life and begin my legal career.

But my career was short-lived. I felt rushed, pulled in a million directions, and what bothered me the most was how fast everything seemed to be going. Connor was a toddler--my absolute favorite age--and it was going by so fast. I missed him during the day. I had so few hours with him at night. More than anything, I just wanted everything to slow down.

So I resigned. I returned home. We had a second baby. I wish I could say we lived happily-ever-after, but my entire motherhood has been marked by a longing to have a career and a longing to be a stay-at-home mom. And I can't do both. At least not at the same time.

But it goes by so fast. I remember feeling so inexperienced as a young mom. I feel like I've finally got the baby-toddler thing figured out, but my children are outgrowing that stage. And I have to learn all over again.

Don't get me wrong--I am so excited about the future with my children. I look forward to elementary school, extracurricular activities, family vacations, and yes, even high school. I look forward to visiting colleges, planning careers, planning weddings. I look forward to someday having grandchildren and getting to watch the cycle of life all over again.

I just wish, as a young mom, that I had cherished it more. That I had viewed the countless hours I spent holding a baby as a blessing rather than a burden. That I had viewed mothering, in and of itself, as enough. That I had not spent so much time longing for something more.

Two years ago Connor gave me a Mother's Day gift with a verse from Ecclesiastes: "For everything there is a season." I have heard that verse countless times throughout my life, have memorized the passage that it is taken from. But up until that moment, for some reason, I had never applied that verse to my life as mother.

There are so many seasons. So many seasons for the children. And yes, so many seasons for me. Maybe I'll have a legal career someday. Maybe I'll teach. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll stay home and bake cookies with my grandchildren. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am convinced that God will carry me through it all, and that whatever He gives me to do will be sufficient to fill my needs. So right now I am content to enjoy the season I am in--the mothering season.